Smitzleflick is the mission-critical, quantum-scheduled, blockchain-verified communications platform built from the ground up to reach a single human being: Eric Green.
Legacy point-to-point messaging has a 0% success rate against a man who is "generally available" yet somehow never available. We ran the numbers. The numbers were bad.
Real-time telemetry, streamed directly from vibes. Updated whenever someone remembers to check.
A fully vertically-integrated stack purpose-built around the scheduling habits of one (1) guy.
Continuously reconciles Eric's stated availability ("generally available") against observed reality (not generally available).
When push notifications fail, we failover to a trained pigeon. The pigeon has a better response rate.
Fully certified against the Bill Batchelor Accord of 2026: "Never engage a software developer unless you want a software solution."
Every "sounds good" is immutably recorded on-chain and subsequently ignored at the same rate as before.
Every proposed night exists in superposition as both "works great" and "actually can't" until Eric observes it.
Smitzleflick is not an app. It is a website. Eric has been made aware. Eric is not thrilled.
"Never engage a software developer unless you want a software solution. I engaged one anyway."
"I don't really have consistent bad nights, I'm generally available." — Eric, before any of this.
"I just wanted a beer on a Tuesday. This is not that."
There is one Eric. We built three tiers anyway.
All further communication with Eric will be routed through this platform, per the official record.
Your request has been added to the queue, right behind the three other attempts to reach Eric this week. We'll be in touch within 4.2 business days, or whenever he sees the group chat.